The Bodies Boundaries

A personal story of healing the narcissistic abuse living in my organs

For as long as I remember, Ive been sick. Since the first grade I had chronic skin conditions, stomach problems and severe anxiety and depression even as a child. At 18, I gave birth to my daughter and a month later had my first gallbladder attack and learned my gallbladder was filled with stones. An illness that my mother told me “runs in the family”. She had gallstones, my grandmother and her mother did as well.

My mother is a text book narcissist, always has been and sadly always will be but growing up, I didn’t know. I loved my mom so much, she was my everything and I didn’t know that the physical, emotional and verbal abuse was in fact abuse. I thought I was a bad kid and I deserved it, Im “a pain in the ass” is what she use to say to me everyday. I was treated like a burden and never loved properly.

I was taught that her needs were more important than mine and I was exposed to things at a very early age I shouldn’t have been exposed to. My mother treated me like that girlfriend she secretly hated. She would say horrible things to me like “you better stop eating or you won’t have a boyfriend” or “if you lost weight you would be perfect”.

My mother lied, betrayed me and cast me aside at every opportunity speaking badly about me in front of me and behind my back. One day, it all became too much and after 35 years of suffering I decided to go no contact with my mother. Thats when I realized, she made me sick. The autoimmune, the gallstones, the anxiety and depression were all symptoms of my body screaming for help, I was not safe around my mother.

She’s done awful, evil, unforgivable things to me and still I gave her many chances to improve and apologize but she keeps hurting and betraying me so the past two years have been the longest time Ive gone no contact. I have two younger sisters but I received far more abuse than them so they are still in contact with my mother.

Yesterday my sister came to visit me and my kids. She said “mom wants me to tell you she misses you and the kids and she doesn’t want to die and leave things as they are.” And for a moment, I felt bad for her, I fell into the trap of narcissistic manipulation. I considered spending a little time with her so she could see my kids. I cried myself to sleep feeling so torn between protecting myself and my kids and being a “good girl” to make my abusive mother happy.

When I woke up in the morning, I had severe chest pain on the left side than ran down my arm and into my hand. I woke up my 14 year old son to take him to school and he complained of the same exact pain. I knew my baby was carrying this pain for me unintentionally.